Such a scary word right? Can’t happen to you and your family, right? That’s a embarrassing word. Someone that does that must have had a terrible life. Their parents must have treated them badly. They just wanted attention. They just want to have the last word.
All those things are so wrong. Does that face below look like a child that didn’t feel loved or had a horrible life. That is the face of mental illness. Yes the one smiling. Jon Morrell. He was smiling in almost every photo taken. However deep down there were demons Jon very rarely talked about. The demons that didn’t let him sleep. The demons that had him chew his fingers til they bleed. The demons that created horrible thoughts about himself that he couldn’t drown out.
That little boy was so loved. Jon loved so many. Unfortunately, for all of us Jon suffered from ADHT and depression. No matter what was going right in his life he could only focus and obsess on what was wrong.
Jon heard voices sometimes. Jon made bad decisions in life sometimes. Jon sometimes wasn’t kind to everyone , sometimes he lashed out and said mean things.
We all do.
Jon was bullied in school and in the mind of someone ill that became that no-one loved him and that the world would be better without him.
Right now this time 5 years ago I was driving 100 mph on route 12 heading to my house after getting the call. I was told my son shot himself and to come quickly. I thought maybe it’s in his foot. Maybe they are wrong. I was told life flight was on the way. I kept looking but no life flight. In my heart of hearts I knew he was gone but conditioned to try to bribe the devil to let me keep him in any form. The reality was Jon had decided to end his life in his own terms. Jon was gone instantly.
Nothing I could do or say would bring him back.
I can blame myself a thousand times of what I could have done differently as a mom. I shouldn’t have let him stay home. I should have loved him more. I should have bought him those cowboy boots. I shouldn’t have yelled so much. I should have been home more. I should have known he was going to kill himself. I should of … a thousand things.
I can blame the gun he choose to use.
I can blame those that were mean to him.
I can blame him for making the decision.
However in the end there really is nowhere to place blame. You can’t blame illness it takes no responsibility for it.
Nobody that is suicidal Is looking for attention or the last word. They aren’t looking to hurt anyone they are looking to end their pain.
The truth of the matter is mental illness is no different then cancer , diabetes , arthritis. You can’t help getting it and all you can do is try to treat it. If you are seeing someone who doesn’t fit find someone new to help treat. I wish I had gotten Jon a different counselor.
We don’t want Jon life not to have mattered. Suicide is real. It can happen to any family rich , poor. Suicide spares no one in its path. The path it leaves behind is devastation and emptiness and a lifetime of what if’s.
Please talk about your thoughts. Your sadness. Your emptiness. Your voices.
Your not alone. We miss Jon. We can’t replace him. We can’t get him back. However we can tell our story in the hopes that others will get help and won’t make the same choice.
Who you choose as a counselor or provider is important also and that you go regularly.
People are here for you. They will listen.
Please let’s not let suicide be a joke or kept quiet. Let’s all talk about it and help save more lives.
I can assure you Jon didn’t plan to leave so may upset and hurt or want attention or to have last word. As he wrote in his last final moments.
Well I had a good run. Everyone will be better off without me. So for those of you in the way back so you can hear me. He was sick. He was sick. He wanted no harm to anyone he was sick. So keep your opinions to yourself when you are not educated on mental illness.
I miss you buddy. Love you to heaven and back. I will always carry your message.
I Heard Your Laugh
I turned around and just emptiness. Just loneliness. You weren’t here. Your never going to be here again.
I wonder if there will ever be a day that I don’t break down just thinking about you and looking at your pictures.
Went to visit you
I Went to Visit You Today...Went to visit you today. To wish you a Merry Christmas. Sounds weird as nothing merry about you not being here. However...